Tessa Lena of “Tessa Fights Robots” discusses her latest article “A War on Touch.” In it she posts screen shots of actual Guardian headlines like “People in England Urged to Be Patient Amid Reports Hugging May Soon Be Allowed“—and wonders why today’s mainstream journalism reads like parody. (People in England have been cold, formally polite, and stand-offish since the days of William the Conqueror, so maybe they’ll have to patiently wait another 1000 years before they’re allowed to hug each other? I mean, seriously, how do these people reproduce?) Meanwhile the wankers at Forbes Magazine and the New York Times are publishing masturbatory incitement in articles like “You Are Your Own Safest Sex Partner,” while Time Magazine plugs Anthony Fauci’s dictum “I don’t think we should ever shake hands again.” So what should we do, Tony, make like dogs and sniff each others’ butts? Do our butts have to be masked? And how many nose-to-butt inches constitutes safe “social doggie distancing”?